


of Regret, and Remembering

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-10-08
Packaged: 2018-02-20 09:29:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2423729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He came to Petra's house as Levi, not her captain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	of Regret, and Remembering

**Author's Note:**

> this is originally posted on tumblr, a request from an anon with a prompt: regret.

Levi knocked on the door and waited.

He was wearing his usual white shirt and black pants; no cravat and Survey Corps jacket. A soldier came to a neighborhood means a bad news. Everybody knows that.

He came to Petra Ral’s house as Levi, not her Captain.

Just when he thought he’d change his mind and turned around to walk out, the door was opened. He looked up, and found blue eyes staring at him. For a second he thought he was looking at _her_ , but he wasn’t.

The woman who was standing there was Petra’s mother.

She looked exactly like her daughter and Levi felt that pang of guilt and hurt again.

The feeling that never left the moment he saw her hollow eyes, the blood on her face, and all he could do was not to go down there to hold her, to convince himself it was just a dream—another nightmare.

Except it wasn’t a dream.

It was real, and that was why Levi was standing in front of her house, and seeing her family.

"Corporal…" Mrs. Ral’s voice was barely a whisper.

"Just call me Levi."

"Levi… I—we…" her voice was trailed off as she kept staring at him in wonder; surely she had known the news about her daughter’s death. She wasn’t expecting anyone but Petra to come home.

"Can I come in, Mrs. Ral?" he asked. He was holding a package in his right hand; it was Petra’s cape, and it still had her blood. That was his duty as a soldier and a Captain to bring it to the family.

But still, he didn’t want some suspicious eyes to stare at him when he was waiting. People must have recognized him, but he didn’t care; he didn’t wear his uniform and that alone made him not playing his role as Humanity’s Strongest Soldier for that time.

She nodded and stepped aside, letting him in.

—

"She told me you hold your teacup like that."

Levi was sipping his tea and when he heard what she said, he put the cup back. He was unsure what to say. He came there to talk about something, but he had no idea when would be the right time to say it. He wanted to say he was sorry about their loss, but he _wasn’t_. He was feeling guilty and sad and he almost had no guts to be there. But he was there and that was almost enough.

"He’s working and he probably won’t be home until noon." She said again, referring to her husband.

Levi slowly nodded. He’d met Mr. Ral yesterday, after the expedition, when Levi was… not himself. His thought wandered to her body that was left behind. Until then, he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

"I came here… to give you this." He pushed the package on the table to her direction. She stared at it blankly before slowly opening it.

“This is…”

"Yes. It belonged to her."

They both knew whose cape was that, no need to mention her name. Even then, her name would just taste bitter in his tongue, but there were times when he just whispered it, as if it could bring her back.

Mrs. Ral’s hand touched the wings of freedom. _Ha_ , Levi thought. _More like a broken wings that made her fall and die_.

"This isn’t the only reason you came, Levi."

That was not a question. Levi didn’t reply right away. The way she called his name made him fall silence. He was reminded the first time she called his name, without Captain. Just Levi.

"No." He pulled out a letter. "This was also from her. She asked me to give it to you if… something happened in the expedition." She took the letter from his hand, but she didn’t open it, only putting it beside the cape.

“Did she… leave anything for you?”

Levi shook his head. There was no need. He had her patch, but he knew someone needed it more than himself. He didn’t need anything to remind him of her; he had no problem of remembering. But he didn’t know how to forget.

She stood up. “Do you want to see her bedroom?”

—

For a moment he thought he could see her beside him, smiling. He almost could hear her saying, “I miss this place.” But she wasn’t there. She was gone, yet it was easy for him to bring her presence there. He could see her staring at her reflection in the mirror, probably brushing her hair. He could see her laying on bed, curling up like a ball under the blanket, just like she usually did when he stepped in.

He didn’t dare to come any closer, as if he did, she would be gone and he couldn’t bring her back.

He saw a picture of her, on the bedside table. It was a sketch, not colored, but it resembled her clearly, especially her smile that reached her eyes… Mrs. Ral caught him staring.

"Do you want it?" She asked.

"No," and before he could stop, he started saying, "I don’t have any problem of picturing her in my mind, to remember her, but…" he didn’t even know what to say.

He couldn’t explain that he wanted to bring her presence, like he did when he first came to her room. He didn’t want her to become only a memory, coming when he felt like it, coming when he least expected it. He wanted to see her fighting, instead of picturing how she moved using 3DMG. He wanted to hear the familiar sound of her making his tea, instead of imagining how it’d taste.

But he just couldn’t.

Whether he liked it or now, she’d just become a memory in his head. And when he died, it’d also die and vanish into nothingness and she’d eventually be forgotten.

If humanity finally won, he’d be remembered as Humanity’s Strongest Soldier. But she wouldn’t be remembered as his lover; as a woman fighting beside him, until her last fight—when he couldn’t fight beside her because he was too late.

Those were his regrets; for not being there, and for her not being remembered by anyone but him.

"Mother?" A voice broke the silence Levi didn’t realize was filling the entire house. "Petra?" It was a voice of a little boy, and hearing her name from that voice made him twitching, although he tried hard not to show it.

He also could hear the footsteps coming toward them.

And the little boy showed himself.

He was Levi’s waist-height, and holding Petra’s cape close to his chest. He looked up to Levi with his big, blue eyes that also looked so much like hers.

"You’re Levi, aren’t you?" He asked, and Levi couldn’t tell if he knew him because of his title, or because Petra had told her little brother about him.

"Yes," Levi squatted in front of him. "And you must be Adrian."

Petra had told him about her little brother; _His name is Adrian. I always wanted to have a sibling, but it seemed like both of my parents were waiting for me to reach the age of fifteen before finally having another child. You’ll like him, and don’t say you don’t like children, because you’ll like my brother._

Or,

_Adrian wrote me a letter. The last time I went there, I taught him reading. Look, he asked me how_ you _have been._

"Petra’s not with you."

"No, she isn’t." _Was_ , he corrected himself. He took the cape from Adrian’s grip and put it around his shoulder. “But she told me to give this to you. It was hers.”

"I told her when I grow up, I want to be a soldier like her."

"And you’ll be as brave as she is." He didn’t want to refer Petra as a past, not in front of her brother. He didn’t know if his parents had told him about his sister, but Levi didn’t want to be the one dropping the news to him.

"And I can get my own cape and jacket, too, right? I don’t have to borrow Petra’s?"

Levi nodded, as he brushed Adrian’s hair, thinking what kind of soldier he’d be. He’d grow up to be like his sister, a good person, that’s for sure. But Levi also knew that anything good could never last long in this world they lived.

He stood up, and saw Mrs. Ral was holding… a Survey Corps jacket.

"This was hers," she explained. "And you probably need it more than we do."

Levi didn’t know what to say—that was not the reason he came there in the first place. He didn’t expect to be given one of her belongings—he didn’t want and need it.

"Mrs. Ral," he started. "That… I can’t accept it. I’m here to give you this."

He pulled out something from his pocket. A box. One look and everyone can tell what’s inside of the box.

A ring.

"She said she’d wanted you to see it. And, here, there’s no use for me keeping it any longer. You must want to see and have it."

But Mrs. Ral only looked up at him with tears in her eyes, and Adrian didn’t understand why his mother looked like she was about to cry.

"You keep it, Levi." She said, her voice was shaking. "You said you have no problem of remembering her. But one day, you’ll wake up and forget how she’d look like in the morning. You’ll forget how her voice would greet you. So keep it, just to remember how it’d look like on her finger." She handed him the jacket. "And keep this one, too. Just so you can remember her being a soldier. She was a good soldier, wasn’t she? She told us it was an honor to be in your squad, chosen by you."

"She was not talented, but she could learn fast." He admitted. "And she was good at working in groups, that was what I needed in the squad." He still hadn’t taken the jacket.

"What do you have to lose, Levi? Just take it." Her voice urged him to take it—but he didn’t want to.

He felt like if he took it, then she’d be gone and he couldn’t bring her back, that she’d become a memory. But he took it anyway, more like for her mother’s sake. His fingers rub the patch. _More like a broken wings that made her fall and die_ , he thought. _But also the wings that made her fly._ Maybe it was true; that one day, he’d wake up and forget how she looked like. Or it could be the opposite; he wanted to forget, but he couldn’t. Either way, it was still hurt for him. He didn’t know what’d be the best for him; to forget, or to remember.

What did he have to lose? He knew the answer right away when he saw her dead body being thrown away.

Everything.


End file.
